Jhender

it just gets progressively more upsetting. that zeráfiel died like this.

the multitude of questions, unpleasant answers, and the sad looks on the girls of zerá’s life.

its friday, the third day. already. wednesday i was, was i in shock? i felt surprised. surprised that it happened that day, surprised that he appeared so well the day before, surprised that he wasnt going to meet me on friday afterall, surprised that he actually did it. it’s like one of those things, you talk about it, dream about it, joke about it, think about it, wish for it. like wanting to be a millionaire. it seems almost unattainable, yet not totally impossible. and it comes as such a simple surprise when it arrives. or should one say pleasant surprise. he actually did it. how impossible it feels. and thus like this, a dam is broken. the impossible has now become possible. therefore.

that afternoon i wasnt really upset. i was just so curious as to what happened, all that happened. the answers. i did not get many of them.

that evening i was upset. i remembered all the things i do with him, and i realised i couldnt do them anymore. no more poems, no more comments, no more derisive actions, no more many things i could list.

and then.

thursday i couldnt wait to go down to the wake. to meet others, to find out more. to see, for myself. to realise that its not a practical joke.

the makeup wasnt great, but i suppose they tried their best. it might have been messy. they might not have known what he should be like.

the Whys.

i met weiyong, at least. found out about one person. surprised at how close he is, and yet how i’ve never heard of him. never once. learnt some stuff from him, glad.

received that midnight email. so freaky. but which changed lots of facts. premeditated. interesting. who is sephie.

googled around.

friday. couldnt wait for 4pm. to know. hoping to find more answers. hoping.

did not get any. but had to break the news to sephie. what a sad first meeting. poor her. to have to hear this on a short tangential visit. perhaps she shouldnt have stopped by at all. perhaps its better for her (not) to know. so sad so sad. i feel bad having to tell them such news.

stayed. saw Yin for the first time. drama. upsets.

met Ruth for the first time too. that’s everyone. most. solemn discussions.

and all the other classmates. ri. hc. army. astar.

it was nice to meet all the characters in the book, in real life, although what a lousy circumstance. it was nice for them to know who i am, the talkative commentator.

weiyong is such an optimistic person. surprising. perhaps he had his roles. ruth cared so much. i hope she doesnt blame herself.

being so young, and so closed, there were so few girls at the wake. not really his fault. it would probably be similar for me. and the few were close ones.

i guess im still not into christian stuff. but i guess he din hate it all that much.

i still wish he told me, more, and why.